Fire Ants are still the winner!

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Fire ants have a long history of winning important battles, but this only breeds more enemies as their martial prowess attracts challengers eager to prove themselves against the best. Fire ants have recently been invited to participate in an ancient fighting tournament, hosted for hundreds of years by all these weird Chinese guys who pull out each other's spines. The winner either stops demons from invading earth or gets to live or wins some kind of trophy or something. The results were entirely predictable.

Fire Ants vs. Bees

Advantages: Also knows how to swarm Dangerous sting, fire ants could be allergic and swell up Bees have chosen a constitutional monarchy as their system of government, using checks and balances to avoid abuse of power by queen	Advantages: Knew how to swarm WELL before bees copied them Bee has to kill itself to sting anyone, kind of defeats the point Fire ant queen is a despotic warlord, ruling with an iron fist and crushing all who oppose her with her clicking mandibles

And the winner is...

Fire ants! Bees made a brave attempt, buzzing around within the confines of the cage match. Once one fire ant gets ahold of it, though, a bee is down for the count. Its wings are ripped off and the true superiority of the fire ant warrior culture was revealed. By closely inspecting all fire ants at birth and discarding those that are small or puny or sickly or misshapen, fire ants ensure that their ranks are composed of an elite capable of destroying any enemy.

Fire Ants vs. Hot Dog

 

Advantages: Taste indistinguishable from penny loafer Vaguely sexual movement weirds out even a fire ant Could be a poison hot dog Can go in through emergency airlock	Advantages: Fire ants are trained to target loafers as vulnerable point Will just give sexless worker ants an excuse to take out their frustration by attacking something It probably isn't Thinks hot dog will find that rather difficult without its space helmet

And the winner is...

Fire ants! The hot dog had little chance of survival once it penetrated the fire ant nest. Both fire ants and hot dog were thrown into a state of confusion, wondering why someone would possibly be videotaping something like this, let alone setting it to the soundtrack from an extremely long 1970's movie. The final battle on this page offers a potential explanation. Fire ants recovered quickly, however, avenging the damage to their nest in a frenzied swarm made worse by the failure to provide any toppings.

Fire Ants vs. Beetle

Advantages: Can sort of roll around a little bit Tastes like crap Hard shell Speaking its name three times may summon ghostly entity, causing hijinks to ensue	Advantages: Will only roll into another mound Already ate the hot dog, how much worse can it be? Will just bite its soft belly Knows phone number for giant sandworm hungry for ghosts

And the winner is...

Fire ants! Beetles are so pointless a bug that there was really no hope in the first place. From the Volkswagen Beetle to Beetle Bailey, everything derived from these insects has been confined to the lowest levels of suckage. Real beetles are no different. 

Fire Ants vs. Nerds

Advantages: Can destroy mound with replica Klingon war sword Knows the difference between a cicada and a locust Ate bugs as a kid Has hundreds of hot elf babes from Warcraft guild to back him up	Advantages: Can bite nerd while he explains that technically, it is not a "war" sword, because Klingons take a ritualistic view of conflict... Knows that if you had a lame name like cicada, you'd want to be called "locust," too Still eats bugs Millions of friends, and those elves are all dudes anyway

And the winner is...

Fire ants! If you are watching this video, thinking "the genus of those homo sapiens is clearly not nerdus erectus," then you are a nerd. You have been defeated. Also, you are wrong. Anyone who makes a video of themself being bitten by fire ants, and then puts that video on the internet so that others can watch them being bitten by fire ants, is most likely either a nerd or deserving of some sort of wedgie. Nerds or emos or hipster doofuses or whatever they are would be wise to stock up on Xanax before confronting fire ants again.

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